There’s actually a lot I can say about this particular “tune.” For one, it’s not very good. (That’s the actual musician in me speaking.) It’s also somewhat of a long song, over 10 minutes in length originally. However, as far as trying to “fix” things on this recording from an engineer’s stand point, it was something and somewhat difficult to attempt. It originally was a poem I wrote after a break up I had back in high school. Of course, stuff like that leads to somewhat depressed feelings, and always the one to express myself, I wrote about it. For some reason, (not sure what) I decided to grab the acoustic guitar and play just two chords and “sing” or “talk” the poem. I did it in one take. Then I decided to overdub (on the 2nd available track) another acoustic part, which would resemble more of an avant-garde feel—not pre-planned in any way. (The guitar became slightly out of tune during the overdub of the 2nd track, and I pitch corrected some of it to balance it out.) I did that in one take as well, and then I put it away. As I got to it a couple decades later, the cassette tape had degraded a bit and you can hear skips and pops that I couldn’t fix. There were several of them, but I was able to fix some of the minor problems. The one where the big gap occurred wasn’t “fixable” in a standard sense. To actually make it correct, I would have to overdub the missing vocal syllable and remix it back onto the original track. That wasn’t a task I wanted to do. Besides, the word it fell on was the word “darkness” and having the word DARK somewhat understandable and yet muffled actually left me liking it anyway, so I kept it. I contemplated re-recording this song in the studio and making it a better sounding tune, but I really don’t think it was necessary. Going back to some old songs I wrote, especially ones that aren’t relevant to my life now, is somewhat a futile attempt when the song itself isn’t really worthy of a “fix” to make it better than just a fun demo. I used several effects to get this song sounding like a song, mixed it, and then called it “done.” The title of the song (which, again, was originally just a poem) was meant to show that the project itself wasn’t meant to be taken too seriously. I knew I was depressed and I knew it was something that was going to pass. (And for those reading the actual lyrics or words to the poem, I know I used the tenses incorrectly, and it was done on purpose, alike the song itself. Even in my youth, I wrote some avant-garde poetry.) ee cummings was a big influence on me as well.
This is song #257.
Recorded at The CELL BLOCK Studio in Auburn, WA.
lyrics
I FEEL LOST AND SO HOPELESS. I FEEL GONE FROM MY SOUL. BUT WHEN I REALIZE THAT THE PAIN HAS LEFT ME NOW, IT’S ONLY TIME BEFORE I FEEL IT SOME MORE. WON’T YOU PLEASE HELP ME? DEAR GOD, CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME? I’M JUST SITTING HERE, LETTING TIME PASS BY IN MY EMPTY ROOM WITH DARKNESS. I SIT AND CRY. THE ONLY THING I THINK OF IS SORROW. AND I DON’T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO SEE TOMORROW. I NEED SOMEONE’S HELP—ANYONE'S. JUST PLEASE HELP ME. I’M OPENING UP AND AS HONEST I CAN BE. IT’S AT NIGHT AND I’M ALL ALONE. THERE’S JUST ME AND MY TALENT. I’LL REMAIN AT HOME, ALONE. YES, I HAVE FRIENDS WHO CARE FOR ME, BUT THEY HAVE TIME THEMSELVES FOR THEM TO BE FREE. THEY MUST LIVE ON WITH THEIR LIVES AND I MUST GO ON WITH MINE. BUT IT’S HARD, I KNOW, WHEN THERE’S NOTHING TO FIND. SHOW ME A LIGHT. SHOW ME ANYTHING FOR I NEED IT SO AND I NEED IT MORE. I FEEL EMPTY AND LOST INSIDE; THOUGH I KNOW I’VE TRIED. IT’S A PAIN I CAN NEVER HIDE. OH HOW I TRIED TO LEAVE IT, TO LOSE IT, TO GIVE IT AWAY, BUT IT STAYS. THE TEARS FROM MY EYES ARE NOT REAL, BUT THEY ARE THERE. THAT’S WHAT I FEEL. IF THERE IS A GOD, I HOPE HE HELPS ME FOR NOW. I’M TOO BLIND TO SEE.
IS THIS A DREAM? I DON’T KNOW. EVERYWHERE I TURN, I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO GO. I SEE A FRIEND OF MINE WALKING ALL ALONE. BUT NOW SHE’S GONE, I’M STRANDED HERE, ON MY OWN. WITHOUT THE LOVE OF HERS TO GUIDE ME, WHERE DO I GO? I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T KNOW. WILL SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE, JUST GET ME HOME? I WAS ONCE A MAN WHO FELT NO PAIN, BUT THAT WAS A LIE I WAS LIVING. THERE WAS NOTHING TO GAIN. MY OWN STUPIDITY HAS BLINDED ME IN THIS LIFE. WILL YOU GOD, IF THERE IS A GOD, PLEASE HELP ME MAKE IT THROUGH ALL RIGHT? MORE THAN ONE GOD? THERE ARE MORE THAN ONE GOD? THERE ARE MORE! THERE IS MORE! THERE IS NO GOD, THAT’S WHAT I BELIEVE. ALL THAT I’VE SEARCHED FOR, THERE’S NOTHING I CAN PERCEIVE, FOR MY PERCEPTIONS ARE CLATTERED BY THE CLOUDS IN THE SKY. NEVER DID I THOUGHT OF SUICIDE. NEVER DID I THOUGHT OF DYING. WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE HEAL MY SICKNESS? GET ME WELL! GET ME OUT OF HERE! I’D RATHER BE IN HELL. I CAN’T BEGIN TO DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL, THOUGH I KNOW IT’S REAL. OH, WHAT CAN I DO? I LOVE YOU! ALL OF YOU! YES, I DO! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU! DOES THAT NOT DESERVE THE RIGHT TO BE SAVED BY ALL OF YOU, OR BE KILLED BY ALL OF YOU? BUT THEN I REALIZED, AND THEN I START TO SEE IT ALL. AND THEN I SEE: ALL THERE’S LEFT IS ME.
I am a musician, singer, and songwriter doing this part-time but have been doing it all my life. I started singing before I
could talk at the age of one, and wrote my first real song at 15 years of age. (If you count avant-garde as a song, then the age would be 7.) I currently own my own recording studio; and I write, perform, and record my own music (and other's from time to time.) I am Santairs....more
I've jammed with this guy and have heard this band live. They play with all their soul and it shows--you can hear it as well as feel the music. The Santairs
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